2. The Absentee Landlord

         To begin, I feel I should lay out all the important facts about Heaven that I learnt the moment I got here and debunk some of the popular myths about Heaven that were propagated by people who didn`t know any better.

         Myth Number One: In Heaven, you are graced by the presence of God. Well, this is true only figuratively. Just because you are in Heaven doesn`t mean you have ready access to the Almighty. You folks on Earth need to bear in mind that Heaven is a densely populated area. The number of worthy inhabitants here must be many thousand times of the earthly population. Remember, once you get into Heaven, you will be there for eternity. Our number keeps growing everyday. If I wish to have a private little chat with God, I need to make an appointment which I did the minute I got here. The scheduled date of my appointment with God has so many digits, I can`t even tell you in English. Suffice to say, it will be a long, long while before I can meet him face-to-face. Hence, the folks around here would refer to him as the Absentee Landlord.

         Myth Number Two: All is peaceful, quiet and harmonious in Heaven. Let me tell you that this is pure wishful thinking on the part of the earthlings. This might come as a surprise to many of you: Heaven is NOT exclusive territory for Christians (or Muslims for that matter). Admission is based on what one did in life with absolutely no reference to or preference on one`s religion or belief. Religion is not a pretense or excuse for what one did in life. We have people from every religion, sect, denomination, order or cult imaginable here in Heaven. As a matter of fact, a good percent of the folks here are atheists! They actually received special treatment at their orientation which I will describe in more details later. I am uniquely qualified for the task because I was one of them.

         Anyway, people`s belief will not change even after they entered Heaven. (No surprises here!) Even after they realize that the Almighty himself does not favor any one particular religion over others, they continue to cling onto the idea that their own religion are better, more in-the-groove than others. This bickering on `which religion is the best/which is the one true religion preferred by God?` continues in Heaven as it has for millennia on earth. If not for the fact that are no weapons in Heaven, we would have had bloodshed and mayhem more horrific than all the world wars combined. Instead, now it`s common to see people walking around bearing multiple bruises, scratches and teeth marks all over their bodies. The poison of religion extracts its toll even in Heaven!

         I could continue to point out the rest of the popular myths about Heaven, but that would take up precious time. For now, I feel I have prepared my earthly readers well enough to share my experiences on my first day in Heaven. My advice is that you should keep an open mind, turn in your blinders for a crash helmet and get ready for the ride of your life on this `heavenly` tell-all!