The H1M Virus: How It
Has Shaped Human Sexuality
Bob Choi
25 February 2010
The following is
an excerpt from an interview between reporter Bob Cronkite and Dr. Stil Pitt,
famed evolution virologist at Harvard Medical School on Mother¡¦s Day,
2009.
Bob: First, Dr. Pitt, I¡¦d like to
congratulate you on your nomination by the 2009 Nobel Prize Committee. This is the first time the Committee
nominates someone for three prizes: Physiology, Literature and the Peace
Prize. So, how do you feel, Dr.
Pitt?
Stil: I feel¡KI feel¡K GREAT!
Bob: For the benefit of us the layperson,
can you describe in plain English the exact nature of your contributions?
Stil: Ah¡Kah¡K I¡¦ve identified and established
a link between a virus and the origin of the human gender, the etiology of
heterosexuality and homosexuality.
Bob: And can you explain what that link was,
again in simple English?
Stil: Well, at the beginning, there were only
women on earth. They reproduced
through a process that¡¦s not yet understood, giving birth to only baby
girls. That¡¦s to say, at the
beginning, there were only mothers and no fathers. This woman species lived happily for a million years or so,
without any incidence of violence, struggle or war¡K
Bob: Excuse me, Dr. Pitt, what you said cuts
against the grain of our religious belief. Have you proved it or is it just a theory?
Stil: It¡¦s a scientific theory, Mr. Cronkite,
and like most scientific theories, it¡¦s not yet proven. But it¡¦s well supported by evolution
psychologists and developmental sociologists. When there were only women, there would be no jealousy, no
vanity, and no need for make-up, liposuction or divorce lawyers. I ought to know¡KI¡¦m a woman. Ha! Ha! Sorry, I digressed!
Bob: That¡¦s OK, Dr. Pitt, but I would rather
you stick to the science and leave the jokes department to me. Now please, continue with your theory.
Stil: Then a peculiar virus emerged. It¡¦s very likely the first virus that
has ever infected the human species.
I named it H1M according to its DNA classification. It infected some of the women. We are not sure of the infection rate,
but all we know is that those who survived and recovered from the infection underwent
an unprecedented anatomical and physiological transformation. They started developing male
characteristics¡K
Bob: You mean these women grew penises?
Stil: Ah¡Kyes. These women developed hairy chests, testicles and yes,
penises.
Bob: Functional penises, Dr. Pitt?
Stil: Yes, Mr. Cronkite, apparently so¡K I
believe they were fully functional penises. Ah, may I continue, Mr. Cronkite?
Bob: Yes, please, Dr. Pitt.
Stil: These women (I mean men) must be
considered as oddities by the rest of the women. They found these ¡§men¡¨ disgusting in appearance, not very
communicative and rather rude by nature¡Kwhich is not that different from how
women today feel about men in general¡Kha! ha!
Bob: Dr. Pitt, I must remind you again to
please leave the jokes to me!
Stil: OK, but I can¡¦t resist¡Kand you¡¦re not
being very funny, Mr. Cronkite. You¡¦re
taking this interview far too seriously. Anyway, some of the women allowed the ¡§men¡¨ to perform
on them. While most of the women
found the act disgusting, a few (enough few) found it rather amusing which is
not unlike¡K
Bob: Now stop it, Dr. Pitt! Stop it right there! I know what you¡¦re going to say. Please leave the jokes to me! Just continue with your theory, please!
Stil: Well, then something happened that
surprised everyone. When those
women who had mingled with the ¡§men¡¨ got pregnant, some of them gave birth to
boys and not girls. That was the
first time this happened in human history.
Bob: That is amazing, Dr. Pitt! What an interesting theory on how men
came about and how heterosexuality began.
But how do you link this H1M virus to homosexuality?
Stil: That¡¦s the most important part of
my discovery, Mr. Cronkite. It
turned out this H1M virus has evolved alongside its human host and has gotten
more or less harmless. Women who
were infected with it now would not change into men (thank God!) but would turn
aggressive. They wore trousers,
pumped iron and cut their hair short (really short) and are commonly referred
as ¡§he-women¡¨ or ¡§lesbians¡¨. Men
infected with this virus now would become more understanding, sensitive and
emotional and they are commonly referred as ¡§gays¡¨.
Bob: I have one last question, Dr.
Pitt. Your studies have no doubt
made very significant contribution to science, but the Nobel Committee has
nominated you in two additional categories: Literature and Peace. Can you shed some light on this?
Stil: I believe the Nobel Committee
feels that my theory will not only start an entirely new direction for
scientific investigation, but will also open the door to a new wave of
literature that bounces off this new concept of women/men transformation. As for the Peace Prize, I haven¡¦t got a
clue. Maybe they think my theory
will finally settle the score between the homosexuals and the homophobes. Now they can blame it all on H1M!
(End of excerpt)