John McCain’s Presidential Inauguration Address (if elected)

Bob Choi

20 January 2012

(Delivered by John McCain on Jan 20, 2009 if elected, somewhere in the parallel universe…a very, very scary place!)

My fellow citizens, I’m standing here today as the 44th president of the United States of America and I am proud, thankful and resolute. I’m proud because I’ve always wanted to serve this country at its highest office since I was a kid. I’ve waited 72 long years and now I’m finally here! (Pause for laughs and applause from the audience) I’m thankful because former president George W. Bush has done such a marvelous job. His remarkable leadership paved the way for another victory for the Republican Party. Let’s give credit where credit is due. Let’s put our hands together for good ole George! (Everybody clapping their hands) Last but not the least, I’m resolute in my belief that God puts me here today because he wants me to put an end to the dark forces that have threatened this country since the early 60’ s. Now, I shall explain to you exactly what I mean.

The early 60’ s marked the beginning of the dark forces. It was a time of senseless citizen protests and civil disobedience on many fronts: the Vietnam War, the civil rights movement, the Supreme Court’s ruling on abortion, the rise of rock and roll music and yes…hippies growing long hair, wearing tied-dyes, smoking marijuana and talking about free love! (Pause while the audience grunts and groans their disapproval of the aforementioned) All these dark forces shared one thing in common: they challenged our puritan tradition, patriotism, family values and our status quo. In one word, they wanted “change”. This demonic desire for change has continued all this time. To this very day, there are Americans (mostly from the “other” party I must add) who wanted to change everything that we decent folks hold dear to our hearts. Indeed my former opponent from the “other” party was running his ill-fated campaign on “change” and he damn near succeeded! Why anyone would prefer a “zebra” over a “pure white stallion” still baffles me, but apparently enough of them did and they gave us a good scare on Election Day! Remember?

With God’s grace, you have spoken and I’ve won the election. Now I say this: As President of the United States, I will do everything in my power to make sure something like this will never happen again. NEVER AGAIN should the people in this country challenge the establishment. NEVER AGAIN should people believe that change is for the better. And NEVER AGAIN should people put their trust in someone who lacks pedigree, ethnic purity and proper skin tone!

I shall accomplish these goals by sticking to one basic philosophy and three simple rules. My philosophy is: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And my rules are:

#1: Don’t change anything. Things are the way they are for a reason.

#2: If it isn’t broke, don’t change it.

#3: If it’s broke and needs changing, refer to rule #1.

I am confident that if every federal and state official, every department and agency follow these three simple rules, we will end up changing nothing and this country will be back on track and once again return to its former glory.

Never again will the dark forces be a threat to our way of life. With cooperation from the Congress and the Senate, I plan to make this happen during my term and the next (because I am confident you will re-elect me!) Heck! I’ll make this happen with or without their cooperation as long as you, my fellow Americans, are on my side. Now, please stand up and chant with me: NEVER AGAIN!...NEVER AGAIN!...NEVER EVER AGAIN! God bless America!