Company
Memo - Christmas Party
Stella Tse
31 January 2013
Company Memo |
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you
that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be
a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed
as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering
is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and
your family,
Patty
Company
Memo
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE:
October 2, 2012
RE:
Gala
Holiday Party
In
no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy
now?
Happy
Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company
Memo
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:
October 3, 2012
RE:
Holiday
Party
Regarding
the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And
sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is
a little chintzy.
REMEMBER:
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
To:
All Employees DATE: October 4, 2012
RE:
Generic Holiday Party
What
a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or
else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work?
Meanwhile,
I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays
are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes,
there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To
the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in
the restrooms. Sorry.
We
will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat
food will be available for those on a diet.
I
am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.
There
will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did
I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Fucking Employees
DATE:
October 5, 2012
RE:
The
Fucking Holiday Party
I've
had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the
Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table
furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The
rest of you fucking wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope
you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive
drunk and die,
The
Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
FROM:
Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:
October 6, 2012
RE:
Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm
sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her.
In
the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy
Holidays!
Joan