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I write to entertain, never to annoy. However, the following stories might rub some readers the wrong way. They might find some of these stories unsettling, even vulgar or offensive. To them I offer no apologies, but the gentle reminder that religious doctrine and moral standards are highly subjective and arbitrary and that humor is indeed the best medicine and if you laugh, the whole world will laugh with you.
******** (Simon Dewey)
1. A Letter from Joseph December 25 of the Year of Zero B.C. Dear Uncle Samuel, I hope this letter finds you well. It’s been over 9 months since I wrote you because I’ve been very busy. Ever since we relocated to Bethlehem, our lives have been turned upside down. The city folks here in Bethlehem are very different from the hillbillies in Nazareth. They have much more sophisticated taste with their furniture and they want the latest style for their dining tables, chairs and lockers and kitchen cabinets and they have the money to spend. So I have more orders than I can handle, and with Mary late into her pregnancy, I have to take care of all the house chores as well. It’s been a very hectic nine months for us.
Now, hear the good news! Mary gave birth to a baby boy shortly past twelve last night. He’s healthy, got all the fingers and toes and a penis (the first thing I checked!) He’s a bit too quiet… hasn’t cried even once since he was born, but we are not complaining. Both Mary and I needed the rest.
It’s quite a night! The midwife didn’t show up when Mary started to go into labor, so I brought her to the Holy Day Inn several blocks away in a wheel barrel! I was hoping that I might get some help there. Fortunately, the old waitress there said she knew a thing or two about birthing and she could help. But as all the rooms of the inn were taken up (this is the peak season for tourists), we had to go to the stable. I’ve actually built a beautiful crib but I couldn’t bring it on the wheel barrel so we put the baby in a trough for the night. Around here, they call it a “manger”… these city folks have all sorts of fancy names!
We got home early this morning and now Mary and the baby are resting comfortably. By the way, we named our son “Jesus”. It’s not my idea. It’s a strange name to me. Mary said the name “Jesus” was whispered to her during one of her dreams and she decided that we should name our son “Jesus”. As I said it’s not my idea. It sounds like something people would say when they swear or get upset…“Stinking old cheeses!” I don’t know… I suppose I’ll have to get used to the sound of it…Jesus!
There’s something about Mary that I couldn’t quite put my fingers on. When we first met, she said she was a virgin and that she would like to stay that way until we got married. I said that would be fine and dandy. Then as soon as we got engaged, she told me she was pregnant! She said she had a dream and in that dream an angel named “Gabriel” told her she’s bearing a divine child. I found all that rather hard to swallow, but I do love my Mary, and no matter where and how this baby came about, I would love him as if he’s my own flesh and blood. I didn’t tell you this before because I was afraid you would call me a damned fool and that I should find out who this Gabriel was and knock his head off! Anyway, this is all water under the bridge now. Mary and I are madly in love with one another, and we are planning for our next child, very soon!
Oh, I almost forgot! Something else happened at the stable last night that’s weird: All through the night, children from the neighborhood came and sang while holding candles around our baby. I had no idea why they did that or if someone had paid them. And then three guests staying at the inn came to the stable. They said they traveled from faraway just to see our son Jesus. They said they were kings from some countries in the East. They left us a few trinkets all wrapped up very nicely and they called them “Christmas presents”. I had no idea what that meant. These men behaved rather strangely. I bet they all had a little too much to drink at the bar.
By the way, we heard something that was a bit unsettling. About an hour ago, we heard rumors from the street that King Herod was sending his spies to check on all the newborns in Bethlehem. I don’t know what he is looking for. I hope our baby is not in any danger. I would hate to have to move. We have just gotten used to this place! I’ll let you know as soon as I find out more. This is all for now. I promise I’ll write again soon. I wish you a Happy New Year!
Joseph
- To be continued - |
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