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4. The H1M Virus: How It Has Shaped Human Sexuality (A Mother’s Day Tribute) The following is an excerpt from an interview between reporter Bob Cronkite and Dr. Stil Pitt, famed evolution virologist at Harvard Medical School on May 10, Mother’s Day.Bob: First, Dr. Pitt, I’d like to congratulate you on your nomination by the 2009 Nobel Prize Committee. This is the first time the Committee nominates someone for three prizes: Physiology, Literature and the Peace Prize. So, how do you feel, Dr. Pitt?
Stil: I feel…I feel… GREAT!
Bob: For the benefit of us the layperson, can you describe in plain English the exact nature of your contributions?
Stil: Ah…ah… I’ve identified and established a link between a virus and the origin of the human gender, the etiology of heterosexuality and homosexuality.
Bob: And can you explain what that link was, again in simple English?
Stil: Well, at the beginning, there were only women on earth. They reproduced through a process that’s not yet understood, giving birth to only baby girls. That’s to say, at the beginning, there were only mothers and no fathers. This woman species lived happily for a million years or so, without any incidence of violence, struggle or war…
Bob: Excuse me, Dr. Pitt, what you said cuts against the grain of our religious belief. Have you proved it or is it just a theory?
Stil: It’s a scientific theory, Mr. Cronkite, and like most scientific theories, it’s not yet proven. But it’s well supported by evolution psychologists and developmental sociologists. When there were only women, there would be no jealousy, no vanity, and no need for make-up, liposuction or divorce lawyers. I ought to know…I’m a woman. Ha! Ha! Sorry, I digressed!
Bob: That’s OK, Dr. Pitt, but I would rather you stick to the science and leave the jokes department to me. Now please, continue with your theory.
Stil: Then a peculiar virus emerged. It’s very likely the first virus that has ever infected the human species. I named it H1M according to its DNA classification. It infected some of the women. We are not sure of the infection rate, but all we know is that those who survived and recovered from the infection underwent an unprecedented anatomical and physiological transformation. They started developing male characteristics…
Bob: You mean these women grew penises?
Stil: Ah…yes. These women developed hairy chests, testicles and yes, penises.
Bob: Functional penises, Dr. Pitt?
Stil: Yes, Mr. Cronkite, apparently so… I believe they were fully functional penises. Ah, may I continue, Mr. Cronkite?
Bob: Yes, please, Dr. Pitt.
Stil: These women (I mean men) must be considered as oddities by the rest of the women. They found these “men” disgusting in appearance, not very communicative and rather rude by nature…which is not that different from how women today feel about men in general…ha! ha!
Bob: Dr. Pitt, I must remind you again to please leave the jokes to me!
Stil: OK, but I can’t resist…and you’re not being very funny, Mr. Cronkite. You’re taking this interview far too seriously. Anyway, some of the women allowed the “men” to perform on them. While most of the women found the act disgusting, a few (enough few) found it rather amusing which is not unlike…
Bob: Now stop it, Dr. Pitt! Stop it right there! I know what you’re going to say. Please leave the jokes to me! Just continue with your theory, please!
Stil: Well, then something happened that surprised everyone. When those women who had mingled with the “men” got pregnant, some of them gave birth to boys and not girls. That was the first time this happened in human history.
Bob: That is amazing, Dr. Pitt! What an interesting theory on how men came about and how heterosexuality began. But how do you link this H1M virus to homosexuality?
Stil: That’s the most important part of my discovery, Mr. Cronkite. It turned out this H1M virus has evolved alongside its human host and has gotten more or less harmless. Women who were infected with it now would not change into men (thank God!) but would turn aggressive. They wore trousers, pumped iron and cut their hair short (really short) and are commonly referred as “he-women” or “lesbians”. Men infected with this virus now would become more understanding, sensitive and emotional and they are commonly referred as “gays”.
Bob: I have one last question, Dr. Pitt. Your studies have no doubt made very significant contribution to science, but the Nobel Committee has nominated you in two additional categories: Literature and Peace. Can you shed some light on this?
Stil: I believe the Nobel Committee feels that my theory will not only start an entirely new direction for scientific investigation, but will also open the door to a new wave of literature that bounces off this new concept of women/men transformation. As for the Peace Prize, I haven’t got a clue. Maybe they think my theory will finally settle the score between the homosexuals and the homophobes. Now they can blame it all on H1M!
(End of excerpt) - To be continued - |
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