On Ideals of Feminine Accomplishment

Cora Frazier

“A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word [“accomplished”]; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions.”

—Caroline Bingley, in “Pride and Prejudice.”

APPEARANCE AND GROOMING

Proper Hygiene is of the Upmost Importance for a Lady who wishes to be considered “Accomplished.” Principally, the Lady of Accomplishment is able to shave in the Shower without the water washing off all the shaving cream before she gets to that part.

In manners of dress and of Bearing, the Lady of Accomplishment outfits herself in such a way as to get Her Date, his Brother, and their underage Cousin into the club, while still fitting the Description “down to earth.”

She does not glue her Real Eyelashes together while putting on False Ones, resulting in the loss of a Significant portion of the far-left upper and lower Eyelashes.

This Lady wears items of clothing other than cutoff Jean Shorts. At the very Least, she washes her Jean Shorts.

Indeed, when her father tells her to brush her hair, the modern woman of Accomplishment is able to graciously pronounce that “that’s the style.”

GENERAL DEPORTMENT AND MANNERS

Mealtimes are an Opportunity for the Accomplished Lady to Set Herself Apart with cordiality & grace. She is able to eat a full Meal without dribbling curry on herself or accumulating such an amount of Detritus at her place that she feels obligated to contrive a joke about it to the waiter when he clears away the Plates.

The Accomplished Woman does not purchase takeout Vegan Chili only to bring it back to her apartment and add cut-up Cold Cuts and Pepper Jack cheese.

LANGUAGES

It takes true Accomplishment to know how to respond to the sequential text messages “Yeah shes ok I guess” and “Sorry sent that to the wrong person whats up?”

MUSIC

The Accomplished Lady has an appreciation for the Musical Arts that she shares with those in her company. She displays a genius for memorizing all the words to “Rapper’s Delight,” while concealing the fact that she also knows the words to all the songs on the “Born to Die” album.

Additionally, true Accomplishment entails appropriately dealing with her complicated feelings about Robin Thicke.

DANCING

Dancing is an occasion for a Lady to endear herself to a Gentleman without having to endure the vexing gaze of a Chaperone. The Woman of True Accomplishment is able to dance in a circle of female friends in such a fashion that would lead none to construe that she’s trying to signal a Helicopter for rescue, neither would it suggest to Men that they should stand behind her, motionless and watching.

MAKING AN ADVANTAGEOUS MATCH

Securing an appropriate & advantageous marriage is important for the modern Lady, but it is secondary to choosing a clever hiding place for her Sweaty running clothes while staying the night in a Gentleman’s rooms, lest He and his Flatmates have the misfortune of inadvertently discovering them, in her presence, along with an unwelcome and alarming Smell.

Furthermore, the Accomplished Lady does not inquire of her date why he has brought several Wide-Brimmed Dodgers Hats on a two-day trip to New York City. She does, however, make a Mental Note of it.

SECULAR MISCELLANY

As an additional Addendum to these mores & Genteel behaviors: The Accomplished Woman is able to perch over a Portable Toilet without peeing all over her platform sandals.

She does not go from the Lab, where she has had significant amounts of blood drawn for a Medical Reason, immediately to a Happy Hour.

Accomplishment entails not repeating to herself, “You’re O.K. You’re O.K.,” in an audible voice in a public area.

DUTIES: MORAL FORTITUDE AND THE PUBLIC SPHERE

O Gentler Sex, Heed your calling: to truly merit the word “Accomplished,” it is not sufficient for a female to display her Virtues exclusively among her close social Circle. On the contrary, she is to act as a Beacon among the Sexes in the Public Realm; for example, by employing the phrase “best practice” in a business meeting with the authority of someone who knows its true Meaning.

This Lady uses her oratorical gifts of Discourse & Debate to Impress Upon her landlord that a room with mushrooms growing from the ceiling—the unhappy result of Water Damage—is a completely Unacceptable habitation for a Human being.

It is her privilege to set a Moral Example, chiefly in her refusal to purchase Ivanka Trump shoes. Or in telling the man in the Bodega not to speak to his girlfriend in such a horribly Vulgar way, even though now she will have to find a new place to buy her Hard-Boiled Eggs.