3. “If I Saw You in Heaven...”

        “Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same, if I saw you in heaven?” These refrains immortalized by Eric Clapton`s `Tears in Heaven` will finally be answered! You can imagine my excitement when I get ready to meet my parents – the first people I requested to see.They passed away a good many years ago andI missed them terribly. Words cannot describe how I felt as I was walking up to them, but try I must...

        Myheartwas beating like a drum. I staggeredat every step I took as the arthritic pain from my knees was unforgiving. My visionwhich was poor to start was further hampered by the tears swelling in my eyes. I could hardly makeoutthetwoblurry figures until I was literally inches away from them. What I saw would surely have given me a heart attack if I had been alive!The man standing before me was a young fellow - lean and muscular in a deep tan. He was holding close to him a woman who was beautiful with long black hair, smooth complexion, smiling with straight, pearly white teeth. Something is wrong. There must be a mistake somewhere.

“Who are you?”, I asked,wipingmy teary eyes on my sleeves.

“We are your parents, son. Don`t you recognize us?”

“Hey, kiddo, There is no way you are my parents! I have never laid eyes on you two. My parents were old, very old when they died. You can`t be my parents. Who are you... really?”

“Well, son, we were as surprised as you are when we first got here and found out that some people would appear in their youthful looks while some (like you) would appear old.”

“Well, I must say this is grossly unfair. I want to appear in my prime too. I want to be young, healthy and strong and... sexy!”

        “Son, I know how you feel. We really do. We were old, very old before we died, remember? Weknowhowitfeels to be old. But here in heaven, we have a merit system that determines the way you would exist in eternity.”

        “How does it work?”

        “It all depends on your HATS.”

        “You mean my Heaven Admission Test Score?”

        “That`s right, son. If you have a high HATS, you would look in your prime. But if you have a low HATS, son, you would...”

        “I wish you would stop calling me `son` from now on. It`s a bit weird calling someone who is three times your age `son`, don`t you agree?”

        “Yeah, but son...”

  “And I still don`t understand how you would get a high HATS. If memories serve me right, you were pagans and idol-worshippers... the exact opposite of what good Christians should behave!”

“Well, son, there is much you don`t know about the way Heaven works. We have a non-discriminatory policy here. All religions and beliefs are treated equally. No one religion is considered superior regardless of what some people on earth might say. As a matter fact, even atheists enjoy the same standing as the most devoted Christians or Muslims or Buddhists...”

“So, you are saying that one`s chosen religion plays no part in HATS?”

“Absolutely none. We were judged only by our actions. We were devoted to our children. We loved our fellowmen. We worked hard all our lives and would only take what`s rightfully ours. That`s good enough to earn us high HATS. Nothing else seemed to matter, son.”

My parents and I had a wonderful chat. They offered to cook for me next time we meet. I can`t wait to try some of their heavenly dishes!

By now it should be clear to my readers why none of the ISIS members and Al Qaeda martyrs was ever admitted into Heaven. Heinous crimes committed in the name of religion are still heinous crimes. Theses religious fanatics might end up somewhere with their `virgins in waiting` as promised to them, but certainly not here in Heaven! Also conspicuously absent from Heaven are the sadistic Catholic torturers during the Inquisition, the over-zealous Crusaders and the genocidal Conquistadors in the New World. These sociopaths committed horrendous acts against humanity, all under the guise of their religion. Heaven would provide no refuge for their poor souls.